Kelsie.

It's been four whole months since I've written. Maybe it was laziness. Maybe it was because I just wasn't inspired. Or maybe it was me...going through some kind of something- finding my soul again.

I've been living life as creamer. Imagine coffee, in its purest form, as our "self"...

Now- see the creamer as the image we portray to the universe. We can create a completely different flavor, simply to tolerate the taste. And the more creamer we use- the farther we wander from the original form. The farther we wander from the rawest version of ourselves.

This has been a significantly difficult year for me- no question. And I was pretending. Like everything was okay. Like I had it all together. Like I am happy and roses are red and violets are blue. But violets are not always blue.

The color of a true violet is variable- never to be confined to a singular representation. True violets are deep-rooting outside plants, never tamed or reduced to a simple houseplant. I had been struggling...I am still struggling to connect to my deep roots. To free myself from the chains of superficiality. So- this is me. Being vulnerable with you. In hopes that you, too, may find the courage to admit you are not fine. So that your journey to reach the inner peace we all so desperately seek- can begin.

If you were to take a peek into my life- it would seem as though I have the world at my fingertips. I am part of a graduate program with wonderful people, about to enter a profession I believe in. I have a loving, supportive family and beautiful friends. I have found a man whom I  love. I have moved into my own place and recently accepted a job I am proud to hold. But I've never felt more disconnected from myself. And I think a large part of this- is not allowing myself to be weak and honest in times of uncertainty.

In the past three years, I've lost six family members in tragic ways. Each one dear to my heart. I made it to three funerals. The pressures of school and deadlines and the three hour drive- just didn't make it feasible. But there's not one day I live without regret for not being present. I should have been there. And I wasn't. That's a burden I will forever carry.

In the past two years, I have lost three best friends. I just didn't know them anymore. And I didn't know me anymore. Between growing apart and growing up- we just lost our friendships. One way streets only last so long before you must make a turn. So, that turn translated into a change- which meant bonds were broken. And though I wish them the best- I am bitter. And I don't know how to change the distaste I feel. Because I don't want to be a bitter person. I want to be the bigger person.

In the past year, I have found true love- the kind I stopped believing existed. Until it did- within my heart. Yet, our cultural differences make the future unsound. We are from two completely different worlds. This love isn't easy. To become attached to someone... to feel as though you've found "the one" and have no control over circumstances. It's a struggle. It's a worry. It's a conversation we've had. The conclusion remains the same, though- we must take life day by day and be thankful for the love we share together- however long we may get to share it. And how lucky am I to have the experience of him?

In the past few months, I have moved out of the dorms and into adulthood. I'm in a new apartment, and I'm terrified. This is a stepping stone to getting your life together. Bills. And bills. And more bills. It's worth it, but it's scary- to be responsible.

In a few weeks, I will be 23. Maybe that's where all of this soul searching stems from. What will I do with my 23rd year of life? I want it to mean something. I want to know myself and embrace myself. I just want to live life without creamer. Pure. True. Appreciating the flavor I was given- instead of changing it and making it something it's not. I want to have an impact.

Today, I have realized that I am lucky. To be alive. To have the opportunities I have and the people who surround me. I am whole because of them. I am going to be okay. I know that- but there's no sense in projecting an image of perfection, when the soul is weighing heavy with grief.

See, through the high intensity of school, the expectations of life, the changes and transitions-  I have not been a good daughter or sister or friend or mentor or writer. Because I've been so wrapped up in trying to keep it together. Well- I don't have it together. Maybe I never will. But I have you. I have sparkling souls, who keep me sane everyday- who I call "my people". And I need to stop focusing on my failures. I need to cleanse this view I have of myself and rebuild from scratch. I need to start over. So here's to mistakes and loss and love and uncertainty. Here's to being honest with strangers and not being afraid to admit you're a little lost. Here's to new beginnings.

I know this is not a traditional post. If you've stuck with me until the end, thank you. Your support and love serves as my inspiration to be better. And I am better, because of you.

I hope you, too, realize your beauty and potential. I truly believe this world is a better place, for the simple fact that- you're in it. May your journey to inner peace be filled with unforgettable adventures. I am with you.

All my best,
Kelsie.