Under Pressure

I've been feeling the pressure of society lately.

The pressure to have it figured out. To have a life plan. The pressure to get married and have babies and be realistic. And I've been doubting the one thing I've always been sure about- Ahmad.

Maybe it is the way people look at me, when I tell them we are together. Or the judgment I feel when I say he's from Saudi Arabia. Maybe it's the feeling that I need to be moving on... let go of him to have a shot at a normal future.

Or maybe it's me. Maybe it's the loneliness that has been living inside of my body, coming and going as it pleases, without paying rent.

This pressure. These feelings. Fear of the unknown. The questions that taunt my logical brain-
What are we doing? How is this ever going to work? Should I love him enough to let him go? Am I selfish for hanging onto this love? When nothing is certain. When I know the chances of a normal life and relationship with him is less than 1%?

So I tried to let him go. I found myself saying the things I'd been told by friends and family. I found myself saying words that made sense in my brain... yet betrayed my heart.

And I immediately knew. This wasn't the right choice. Not for me. Not right now.

Relationship or not- every single day I grieve the loss of Ahmad. The loss of intimacy. The loss of his presence. Of holding his hand, snuggling his neck, singing with him in the car... I may never consistently have that again.

But you know what? True love is true love. Soul mates are soul mates. I love him with every single fiber of my being. And for me? ... It's enough. This pressure to move on. This pressure to find love and get married and have kids. I release it. And I accept this as a tradition of our society. But I've never been traditional.

He is real. He is worth it. And most importantly, he is mine.

I don't need to justify that to anyone. Because this is my journey. My life. My path. And I choose to walk this path my own way. For me. I'm tired doing what is expected of me. I'm tired of being ashamed of my situation. None of it makes sense. But together... we do. And it took attempting to let him go- for me to realize that.

I ask you. If life circumstances forced you to be separated from the love of your life by distance. And you didn't know if you could ever truly be physically together forever. What would you do? And most importantly, why would you do it?

I used to think relationships were black and white.

But they're most definitely grey.

If there comes a day in life, when the love of mine finds true happiness in another person... I have the strength to accept that. Because he deserves to be happy. He deserves a future with someone who can be there for him through each and every day.

But that day isn't here. And I'm not ready for it to be. That's where I am on this journey.

Right or wrong.

And I respectfully, don't care what you think about it. Because in 50 years, I want to look inside myself, and know I was strong enough to honor the wishes of my own heart. Whatever the consequences. Whatever the hurt or heartache. I want to know that I always chose me.

Live your life without apologies.

This statement is long overdue- but- I make no apologies for the page I'm on in my story. I am just trying to figure it out-- like everyone else. I am not perfect. I am most certainly not a tragedy.

I am just a 24-year old girl. Madly in love with someone who lives thousands and thousands of miles away. So, forgive me... if I don't have all the answers.

The only thing I know for sure- is his soul has indefinitely blessed mine.

Life doesn't always make sense. Because logic is simply reason without heart. And it doesn't always lead you to the right direction for you. Because heart... well... that's the true source of happiness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is-- Live this life for no one else but YOU.

Do what's best for you.

If you're like me -- someone who just doesn't have the answers.... there will be times on this beautiful adventure when you find yourself in a similar situation.

Maybe it's not navigating a long distance relationship- but rather, you don't know which direction to go. And it will seem impossible to take a step forward, because you will feel like a walking contradiction. Step forward anyway.

You just keep stepping forward. Each day. One foot in front of the other. Because one day all of those steps will thread the pages of your story together to create a beautiful book. I hope it's tied together with a happy ending and a red bow. And more importantly, I hope you're proud to read it.

But in the meantime- you keep doing you, gorgeous. The pen is in your hand. The amount of pressure you use to press the ink on the page- well, that's entirely up to you. I prefer the lightest of strokes.

xoxo
Kelsie