These days I am angry. I walk around, like a ghost. Just trying to be invisible. Don't see me. Don't hear me. Just look through me, please I beg you. Because if you saw me. If you really, really saw me- you would think you need to save me. I would be a cause to advocate for. I would be a sad story and you would be the hero. But I don't want to be saved. I just want to feel this anger. I just want to hate. In this moment, I feel hatred. And I want to wallow in that. Work through it. And come out of this pit of fire without a trace of burn. By myself. For myself.
McDonald's messed up my entire order the other day. Everything I received was opposite of what I wanted. And the topper? My "fish" sandwich had a "chicken" patty on it. Tarter and all. Such a disappointment. And so I called the store, I called corporate, I called and called and complained and complained. I was frustrated. I wasn't being heard. And I never got my money back. All this anger. All this hatred. All this time spent complaining. For what? With what result? So today- after my third call to the corporate office.... I couldn't help but think. What was I really mad about? What was the true source of this anger? Why did I feel so strongly about this wrong order. This wasn't what I wanted. So I wanted fairness. And I never got that.
So much time wasted being negative. Life is so precious. And I spent three days trying to get $9.00 back. Why? Because I was misplacing my anger. Of course, I was frustrated. I think anyone would be. But- the truth is... he's is leaving. And I don't know when he will be back. And I blame the world for this. I hate the world for this. I loathe the universe for connecting me with the love of my life, only to take him away. And then, people have the nerve to tell me what I'm going to feel and when I'm going to feel it. "It's going to hit you when you're by yourself and the day is done and you can't call him to come over. But you can't. Because he's not there." How. Dare. They. say that.
You don't think I know that? How dare you tell me when it's going to hit me. It has already hit me. I already feel the bullet hole draining the blood from my heart. Taking the life out of me. Stripping away everything that's good and replacing it with fury and an attitude. The truth is- I don't want to live this life. I don't know how to live this life. Right now. Right here. I don't want to. I'm terrified of fieldwork. My entire existence is up in the air- everything is changing.
And I am so beyond lost. I am so lost.
I am furious that I can't hold the love of my life in my arms anymore. That I won't feel his arms around me. That I can't drive over to his house after a bad day and order pizza. I'm sickened by the fact that I love someone I can't have anymore. I'm terrified to change. To move on. To be the me I am without him. That scares the shit out of me. And it's not FUCKING FAIR. '
Meanwhile, everyone around me gets to celebrate love and life changes. They are getting married. They are having babies and buying houses. And here I am- stuck. Losing everything. Including myself.
And all I wanted was a fucking FISH SANDWICH! In the midst of all the bull shit I wanted a fish sandwich. And I got home. And got excited. And when I opened the box- It was a lie. It was a tease. It was a chicken patty. And that's how I feel about my life. I feel like it's all a sham. A pose. A superficial piece of shit lie. I'm not in a good place. I'm in a dark, dark, dark, dark place. And the crazy part is- I don't want to get out. I just want to feel sorry for myself and hate myself and disappear.
I just want to be a ghost.
So. let me.
10/8/19
Upon re-visiting my blog, I found this piece I wrote a few years ago labeled as "draft"... But I decided to publish it today.
A dear friend once gifted me a journal... and inside she wrote, "some thoughts are for yourself." If that isn't the truth. But I feel like these thoughts remind me that there is always hope in the darkest of times. I look at my life today- and don't get me wrong.. I'm still picking up the pieces.. but I have climbed my way out of that hole. I tear up every time I read it. Because I wish I could give that girl the biggest hug.
I remember that time period. His journey home. Pure and raw.. the anger seeped through my pores. My whole world was crumbling around me. And on the day I dropped him off at the airport... that sadness broke my soul. I will never forget my body hitting the floor when I got home. Collapsing. He was gone. And I felt like my life was gone, too. Because I thought he was the love of mine.
We were in a long distance relationship for a long time. Face time and time differences. We held on to that hope. That one day things would change. And we would be together. Things did change. And so did we. But we didn't end up together. He called me one day. At that point- I was still in denial. Still ready to sacrifice my whole future for uncertainty. Because I loved him that much. He knew that. And he freed me of that. "We loved each other gently, and we leave each other gently." I'll never forget those parting words. It was the only break-up and the kindest break-up I've ever had. To love each other enough, to let each other go. You couldn't ask for anything more out of your first love.
I will always be thankful for him. And I will always have a place in my heart for him. Love shattered my soul. But that's what happens when you open yourself to vulnerability. You offer the most fragile part of you- your heart- with the hopes that it won't be squeezed too tightly. Or damaged. Or broken.
Sometimes, you when love is over... your heart isn't returned to you in one piece. And putting it back together takes time. But it also reveals the STRENGTH it takes to get back on your feet. It also imprints a lesson. Love teaches us So. Much. Heartbreak teaches us Even. More.
I spent a lot of time reflecting on the type of partner I am in a relationship.
{The Bad.}
How I easily lose myself. Put everything into the other person. How I neglect my own wants and needs. The way I argue. Hitting below the belt. Threatening to break-up. Storming off and slamming doors. The way I won't compromise when I feel I'm right. Hoarding time and not being open to social situations. *Let me speak on this one for a minute- I always felt like we were on a deadline. Because I knew he was leaving. And instead of sharing him... I often expected him to spend the remaining days with me... and reflecting back, that simply wasn't fair. Knowing he was leaving was almost like grieving a death before they're even gone. It was traumatic. And I just didn't know how to deal.*
{The Good.}
I love hard. I am still, to this day, a fairytale believer. BYOF. Build your own version of the fairytale, though. I'm not a princess in distress. I'm instead a feminist who met someone from a different culture- embraced it- loved through the mess- and lost it. But I've come to realize, that it was never really meant for me. He wasn't meant to be my forever. And I wasn't meant to be his. The universe had other plans for us. But I truly believe we found each other at a time when we both needed each other. He taught me what I deserve. How I deserve to be loved and treated. Respected. And I will forever be thankful for that.
I've been emotional about my first experience with love lately. What was the message? What was the purpose? And over coffee with a dear friend- I finally was able to put the words together. I truly believe he prepared me for my husband. Because if it weren't for my first love- I wouldn't be cognizant of the type of partner I am. I would fight differently. Compromise rarely. Love selfishly. Instead, I work to be an equal partner. A loving partner. A good partner. He helped to prepare the me meant for HIM. And I hope I helped to prepare the he meant for HER.
The best thing about BYOF- is you can always begin again. Taylor Swift wrote a whole song about it.
{2019.}
Has been a year of changes. I spent time alone after the break-up. I was able to work through the pain and hurt and heartbreak. And I was able to find who I am without a relationship, again. The process of healing. It will always be indefinite- because self-work is important work. But 2019 was the time to move on. Time to open my bandaged heart back up to the possibility of love. So, I entered the virtual love-sphere... also known as online dating. A coworker of mine encouraged me to join Hinge. We were calling it "Casual 2019"- not putting all of our eggs in one basket, and instead- claiming BRAVERY as enduring first dates again. No expectations. After first date friend-zones and failures, I didn't expect to find love. But then... there he was- sitting across the table of the coffee shop- and just like that, I watched it begin again. *just like that Taylor Swift song*
So when I read that draft from 11/8/17, about two years ago, I am reminded that pain is not permanent. That darkness eventually finds the light. That McDonald's does not give refunds no matter how many times you call.
And that misplaced anger can transform into healing- with a lot of reflection, and a little grace.
@SOSHESLAYS
Meet The Engineer.
No comments:
Post a Comment