I've gained like 20 pounds since last year. And you know what- I'm still happy and healthy. It's not a place I would like to live forever- but I'm certainly not going to evict this version of my body with hateful commentary and disordered eating.
I have always "struggled" with weight. Per the unrealistic charts and standards of our society, I am obese. But I have an issue with placing people in boxes. Because it seems very bold to define individual health based on criterion designed without context. I grew up in diet culture. I drank SlimFast as a child. I was bullied for my weight endlessly on the bus by boys who felt it was okay to publicly shame my appearance. Boys that I had a crush on as a little girl. I can still press play and hear those comments- to this day...years later.
"Kelsie Long.... THIS WAY!" as he held up both fingers, drawing them a part to simulate a horizontal line.
"Kelsie let me see your hands!" ... "SEE! I told you she had sausage fingers!"
Those words crushed me. The laughter that ensued was humiliating. All I wanted was to be liked- to fit in...and I viewed my body as a barrier to being accepted. The only way I was able to grip a certain degree of control over the situation- was to make fun of myself before other people could. They would laugh at my self-deprecating jokes... affirming my insecurities...but at least the jokes were mine, right?
If I had the ability to travel in time and change a narrative, my first stop would be the full body mirror in my childhood home. Because I know I would find that little girl- naked, in front of the mirror...picking herself apart. Sucking in her cheeks. Holding her breath to see if she could make her belly look smaller. So she wouldn't be, "kelsie long this way" anymore. I would give anything to hug that little girl. To pour body positivity into her soul. To feed her lovely messages of self-acceptance. To guide her impressionable mindset toward feeling WORTHY. Would it have made a difference? I don't know- but what I do know is- I would have appreciated representation of people with bodies like mine in the media. Back then, thin was IN. Today, curves are everything. It's funny how beauty standards evolve overtime.
As a kid, when I browsed through the JCPenney catalog looking for back to school clothes, there were no other kids that looked like me. On America's next top model- there were no TRUE plus size models... no variability of bodies. Abercrombie & Fitch models stood outside the door of the store entrance with their 6 pack abs and perfect bodies. Seventeen magazine outlined page by page everything I was not... but aspired to be. Media was unkind. People were quick to provide judgment and solutions instead of acceptance.
I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW HAPPY I AM THAT TODAY WE CELEBRATE ALL BODIES. THAT IS WHAT OUR CHILDREN NEED. THAT IS WHAT WE NEED. Seeing DIFFERENT bodies modeling clothing while online shopping. I LIVE FOR Ashley Graham's COVER on Sports Illustrated. I READ AND RE-READ @allisonkimmey's posts on Instagram about self-love, especially on my bad days. And I wish I could give that little girl a sneak peek into life as a 20-something...to say, it does get better. Just because your body is bigger does not mean your worth is less. It does not give people the right to disrespect you, humiliate you, point out your flaws, shame your appearance, or assume you are unhealthy. And it does NOT mean you get to do that, either.
I don't have a healthy relationship with my inner self. And as I look back on my very private battle with years of self-abuse I have inflicted upon my spirit...I realize the impact of my own words. In an effort to obtain control over peoples perceptions of me- I destroyed my own perception of my self. Read that again. In an effort to obtain control over peoples perceptions of me- I destroyed my own perception of my self. How incredibly sad. I am still- 20 years later- working to repair the damage. But that doesn't mean my triggers have left the building.
I developed an eating disorder in college. An obsession with the gym. A fear of gaining back the weight I had lost. And I was PRAISED for my weight loss. "You look so good!" "You're not an XL anymore!" "You are so skinny." My disordered mindset fed off of comments like those. Any time I wanted to snack- I would go to the gym. I would eat very little- feel super light headed at the gym to the point of passing out- and count all the serving sizes. I would chew longer with hopes of feeling fuller. I remember being fearful of putting a pretzel in my mouth- because I was TERRIFIED to gain back the weight. I was 169 pounds at my lowest- and I looked freaking good. Per the Height and Weight chart I was still "overweight" but at least I wasn't "obese", right? I vividly remember looking in the mirror one night. And I said to myself, "You have everything you've ever wanted. Why are you so unhappy?" In my warped sense of self, losing weight was supposed to make me happy. But- it didn't solve my problems. It didn't make me love myself. Sure, my clothes fit loosely. But I was DESTROYING myself.
I was lucky enough to pull through that period in my life. I still obsess over numbers...and I still have an unhealthy relationship with food... and certain things are still triggering...but I am more self-aware. And I now have tools and coping strategies to approach weight loss with a healthier mindset. I also have to hold myself accountable and check myself when I start to go down that rabbit hole again...
I share this vulnerability with you- NOT for empathy- but for AWARENESS. Every single before and after photo have one thing in common.... that individual was beautiful before and beautiful after. One is not better than the other. Still the same human. Just with less weight attached to their bodies.
I cannot emphasize this enough- do not comment on someone else's weight. I'm still reminding myself of this- as I am quick to praise people on their weight loss. The truth of the matter is- we could unknowingly offer confirmation of unhealthy methods or ideologies and perpetuate the cycle. We also need to work to understand why we view weight loss as positive. Is it because we view skinny as healthy? Or is it because we have been primed to associate beauty with a certain body type? I don't have the answers. But reflecting on this topic has me feeling all sorts of deep.
We should celebrate each other's victories and accomplishments, of course! And if your friend is working hard to lovingly enter a healthy lifestyle for their own well-being- YASSSSS, boo- you go! I am clapping for you, hunii.
BUT.
Don't get sucked in to comparison. Because no one can compare to you, gorgeous. You are unique and strong AS YOU ARE. In this moment. Individually created.
Bottom line- we are MORE THAN weight. We are MORE THAN charts and numbers and measurements and BMI.
WE. ARE. FREAKING. ENOUGH. PERIOD.
We deserve to love our selves and our bodies during all phases of growth. I am working hard toward radical and intentional self-love. There are 20 more pounds of me- but I am still glowing. Regardless. Because the work begins within us. In order to promote our inner peace and life balance- we must be willing to dig deep into our issues. We all have them. You don't have to share yours through a platform like this- but I do feel you are worthy of self-love. And if you are struggling on your journey, as we all do, don't beat yourself up over it. I am here- with you. for you.
True beauty is seen in growth. And I have grown so much in so many ways. But I also have a long way to go on my journey to self-acceptance. And I am okay with that.
What a gift it is- to have the ability to water the good seeds we have planted..to be rooted in all forgiving soil, even after we've been through a drought.
I love you.
You are all the good.
Your soul is pure and honest and hungry for love...from no one else- but YOU.
Sending peace and warmth your way.
Always,
XOXO.
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