I am undeniably blessed with love in my life. I have the most wonderful group of friends who support me--I have a family who thinks the world of me--I have unbelievable readers, who inspire me to be a better person each and everyday...but I've had the "blues" and I can't seem to shake them.
See, I've been having a terribly tough time with grief. As I have written about in the past, my Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Lesia both passed away. And when people think "uncle" and "aunt" it doesn't seem like a significant loss. But it was. The years seem to be passing...but I am still stuck. I'm wading through this thick mountain of grief that is impossible to overcome. I miss them. People miss people, right? Normal stuff there--it's just, I need them. I really need them.
My life is on full speed. I feel like people hold me to such high expectations- because they think I'm this great person...but I am just an ordinary human being. I have doubts and bad days, just like everyone else. Disappointing the one's I love by expressing weaknesses is not something I normally do..like, ever. But it's time to get honest.
Those who know me best know that I have never been a religious person. I considered myself more spiritual. I believe in God, fully. I just feel like He and I have an understanding. I express myself in my own way-- and that's okay. After I lost my two best friends, I turned away from God completely. I closed myself off, built walls so tall not even Robert Wadlow could climb them. Some people call it crazy. I call it coping.
Recently, the grief became too much to bear. I had a major sob session alone in my room. And I did something I hadn't done in a very long time. I got down on my knees and prayed. Really, really hard. With puffy eyes and my "ugly cry" face, I begged God to tell me how to live with these empty holes inside my heart. I must have repeated it one hundred times. "How am I supposed to live with these empty holes?" Over and over and over again, I sobbed this simple question in desperation.
Then-- something truly magical happened. I can't explain it. I can't even quite put it into words. I don't know if it was a hidden feeling or if God was speaking to me Himself--all I know is it wasn't a conscious thought.
"You don't live with them...you live for them." 3 o'clock in the morning, and God is still on duty answering prayers. The stream of tears let up a bit- and an overwhelming sensation of peace seemed to mend my fragile state of mind.
Everything made sense. I can't keep wishing to be with them. I have unfinished business. And I can't keep living as though their passing has been a burden on my life. I keep moving forward...I live the life they never got the chance to. What a beautiful message. What a refreshing perspective. Thank you, Yahweh (learned that in religion class- turns out God is Yahweh in Hebrew..cool, huh?)
My future absolutely scares the living daylights out of me. But you know what? I can't keep having this 10 years from now mindset. Tomorrow is all I need. Aunt Lesia and Uncle Jimmy will be with me the entire time, in spirit. And I'm finally at peace with that.
Just a Saturday night reminder that God really is good. All the time. (I mean He created you, didn't He? *wink*)
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